oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
