so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
