life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
