Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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