make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
