Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
