I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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