Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
