he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
