hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
