who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
