a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
