remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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