Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My penis needs a shock collar
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Can you bring me the toilet please
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