I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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