Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
