One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think your dad took our porno
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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