We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
