Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize