I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Vodka?
Forever.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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