The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
