Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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