I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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