Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We just shotgunned beers for America
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
