How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
