At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
