please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize