My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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