Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I wear drunk well.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
