He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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