i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
