My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he thought i was a dude.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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