her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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