Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
