Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
