Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
