I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
