If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
