About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
