I am puke
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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