my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
