her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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