ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
