I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
