come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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