I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We are all done wearing pants today
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
