I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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