I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
