I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
