either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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