My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
