ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I can text with my tongue
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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