and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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