And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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