i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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