My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
