hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
